I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
