everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
