Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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