How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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