did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
