I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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