When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
my vag is so smooth its legendary
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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