I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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