a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize