my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
