I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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