Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize