this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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