Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Randomize
