How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
