how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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