Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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