God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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