6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
