can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
