My liver just broke up with me...
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
