I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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