If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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