3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
