Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
