Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
