i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize