You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
