my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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