my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
