Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
