why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
