Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
