Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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