Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
