dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
