The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize