I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
can u get pink eye on your cock?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
