i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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