I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
