Where is the hickey?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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