The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
