Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
