I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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