that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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