I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Girls should come with a carfax report
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
