there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
