Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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