Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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