my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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