after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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