so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
