I murdered the dance floor call the cops
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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