When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
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