So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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