i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
