I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
