Im at strip club and am horny
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize